Dating-What is it?

You can ask 25 people to define dating and you will get 25 different answers like I did. I have my own very specific definitions that I'll discuss in a bit. So that begs the obvious question why so many definitions? I think that dating is a very general term. People use it loosely for a lot of reasons. Some don't really want to admit that they had feelings for someone (that "hindsight is 20/20" thing) because they are worried about their own "look good". Some use it because it was a casual thing a few dates. Some people think it means that you had sex with that person you dated. Sex is not necessarily part of dating. Just like a one night stand for sex is not necessarily dating. Lol.

My thoughts are that dating is a generalization about activities you do with a person that you have some interest in spending time with for a romantic purpose. A date can be simple to the complex right up to a serious relationship. A date most certainly needs to have mutual thoughts of romance, not just one party interested. It would exclude doing things as friends.

Examples of a date would be:

• movies
• Dinner or lunch
• A day at the lake or river
• A motorcycle ride
• A spa day
• and so on.

So since dating is a general term then we would need sublevels of dating to help define it for everyone. In each level it is up to the "daters" to define it further.

Casual Dating-the very basic level of dating. This can be simple like "you want to go to a movie?". It is also the level of dating that leaves it open to date other people. Not that you would have to but you can. While casually dating you can find out about likes and dislikes for both parties. If there is mutual interest in making things more serious, you can move to the next level of dating.

Exclusive Dating- which simply stated means you only "date" each other. You still go out with friends to do things, as you should in any scenario of dating no matter how casual or serious it may be. You don't have to be girlfriend and boyfriend, or any other label at this level but you most ceratainly can be. You can also be very relaxed depending on the parameters that each of you set "together". (Parameters should always be realistic and definitely communicated, in any relationship whether romantic or not.) "Relaxed" meaning that while you talk on the phone during the week you may only see each other on the weekends. You still only "date" just each other. So you can see there are a lot of different sublevels contained in this level.

Significant Other- at this level you are in a relationship and can use the labels girlfriend and boyfriend, finally. You don't necessarily live together but you do a lot together. You make joint plans for events and time together. You travel together and just have fun. You discuss those issues that can impact you both. You consider each other when making decisions separately. Some couples don't progress beyond this level for lack of desire or need. If they did it would become marriage and no longer officially dating. Although, married couples that continue to date each other usually stay married. Lol

So once again what is dating? What does it look like? What level are you on? Or not? It's okay not to date. It's okay to do what adds to your own happiness as long as you don't do anything to intentionally hurt anyone else.

I hope this helps some of you that read it, none of you that don't and all of you just be happy!

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Nice Guy Quest part 4

I feel like the most unheard person in the world on this subject. I just keep getting hit in the face with friends and acquaintances that have gone for the "oh so perfect guy" that turns out to be an asshole. That's right I said asshole. We could call him a jerk or say he's just misunderstood but when the rubber meets the road he's just an asshole. Now if that's not bad enough by itself, she will usually continue to paint all those red flags green while she is defending him to her friends and convincing everyone about how great he is.

Then, there is always that deeper problem of bringing a child into the mix. So then she stays thinking that adding more stress of responsibilty and financial burden will make him see the light! Doesn't happen. The asshole, appropriately named, just gets bigger when you add more shit for it to deal with. Further complicating the situation. which is now going to last several years.

Then let's not forget the damage she receives thinking she's not good enough or important enough that when she finally stands up for herself and leaves the asshole , she has all this baggage that she takes to the next asshole. Some of which she doesn't even realize. So how can she fix it? I have a few suggestions but one has to be ready to listen. And I already covered how I feel unheard so we are going to leave that for the future. Lol.

So while she's with the next asshole compounding her problem she starts thinking "I just need a nice guy or good hearted man". Professing this to the world while she's leaving that asshole. Then she passes several more nice guys up looking for the next asshole. Now while this whole process could be explained several ways from daddy issues to simple guilt she's packing around, it's not my intention to diagnose but to point out that it exists and each woman needs to take drastic steps to get it worked out so she can start enjoying life.
If she finds a nice guy in her 40's or 50's, is she going to turn him into an asshole because that's what she knows or will she just enjoy him and nurture a relationship worthy of the shared time they both deserve? Unknown at this time. I've seen all outcomes in my life so far.
The real question still exists "why choose the asshole in the first place?".

Alone and healthy is a much better place to be than in a bad relationship getting worse. We all do things that cause us heartache at some point. The responsibilty we have to ourselves is to figure out who we are and why we did something so that we can either add it to or take it out of our life in the future. Then we can say we've had some growth. Good luck!


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