Triggers, Meanings and Ruts - Part 1

How many of us know the difference? Especially when we are in the middle of one?

Triggers-
A trigger is something that was created years ago, usually in our childhood. They are a twofold problem. The first part is the actual trigger which is the current happening that "triggers" that same emotion (usually negative), left by some emotional tragedy from our early years of life. Which would explain why we have given it such a high level of importance to carry it through our whole life. the second part of a trigger is that, unfortunately, we regress to that age, emotionally, that we were when we first had the original traumatic happening. Which further complicates handling of the real issue. Clear as mud so far?

Here is an example of a trigger that I had and was able to resolve once it was realized well kind of.......
Once upon a time.....wait different story, sorry. When I was a boy getting into mischief my mother would send me to my room. That was the extent of her discipline, busting me. She would require me to stay there until my stepdad would get home. Now I am sure mom had no idea what I was creating for myself in this scenario. How could she anyway. It was the random thoughts and assumptions of a child, while having no real direction with how to handle situations and no what everything meant as that child how could another untrained human know what was going on? Rhetorical don't answer..... So back to the example. Once my stepdad arrived it was very basic. Usually involving a couple of swats with his belt and it was over and off I went to play or watch tv. Fast forward 25 years. I'm sitting in counseling realizing I have this buried resentment towards my mother. Which stems from these times that she wouldn't just deal with the discipline and move on. As that child, I had made it mean that because she didnt deal with me when I was in trouble or mad with me, she didn't love me. Wow right? So as I was realizing this in counseling I also found myself defending her. She did the very best that she knew how to do. So even after the realization and the defense I didn't realize how it was affecting me in other relationships. Especially romantic relationships. So not only did I let it affect my relationship with my mother for years, it was an underlying issue for romance. If a woman wouldn't talk with me about an issue she must not love me. Which that by itself can be a very detrimental part of getting to resolution. It was so much worse because I would uncontrollably act like a 7 year old boy. Clear down to the communication skills only with the vocabulary of a 30 something year old man. Not a good mix by themselves with a healthy person on the other side. Then take into consideration the other person and her triggers and you have a combination that's like a superball inside of an empty paint can on a paint mixer. Wow and we both lived to tell about that experience.

I have to wonder how many of us have ruined the perfect relationship with either our own triggers or theirs.

I am going to post this article in 3 parts. So look for the others as I post them.

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Monterey, CA - what an adventure

I was recently in Monterey, CA for a few days of training classes.  What an adventure and I didn't even hit the well known tourists spots like the Aquarium or the 17 mile drive and no Pebble Beach or Laguna Seca either......lol  I did have the opportunity to go to the Wharf and Cannery Row though......

If you make it to the Wharf, stop by to see the raccoons, just down from Crabby Jim's  They are very adorable! 

Cannery Row has a good nightlife, on Saturdays anyway.......It helps when you go with some friends too.  Everyone is very friendly.  Sly McFly's is a must and you can start out at the Cannery Row Brewing Company! 

Of course the beach and the ocean are amazing there as well.  Beautiful sunsets and the beach presents itself as a wonderful venue to run or walk on.  My suggestion if you like the beach is to stay at the Beach Resort on Sand Dunes Dr. in Monterey.  Request ocean view and walk right out onto the beach!  Have fun and enjoy all nature and people have to offer in the hub of beauty and fun!

The Red Frog Bar - Colfax, CA

Anyone ever been? It's a cute little bar with a great view. The Place doesn't have a huge menu but the food is good.
Located just a couple miles down Highway 174 from the Colfax exit on I-80 it has a spectacular view of the canyon behind it. With the open air deck and bar you can come and relax at the end of your play or work day. The inside is quaint and air conditioned for those warmer days.

The staff is friendly but usually busy making sure everyone is getting their food and beverages. So if your in Colfax or anywhere near, stop by the Red Frog for a bit......

Conformity vs Acceptance

Has anyone ever really thought about what we teach as a society? Local or Global. We are taught to conform to rules at a very young age by our parents. Whom, I might add needed a license to drive a car but only a few moments alone in one to have a child. The only training any parent really gets is from their parents and so continues the cycle there are a select few that may get some training from high school, but there again, as long as they don't drop you and break you they get a passing grade. Lol. So a few will search out information to educate themselves on parenting, but only if they have the where with all to notice there is a problem that they can admit there is an issue they may have caused. Pretty rare in the grand scheme of things. Lol. So here lies the first problem. Your parents teach you what they know, even when they don't realize all of it. They also teach it whether it is good or bad. Having said all of that I believe that a parent does the best job that they know how to do.

Then we go to school with a bunch of other messed up kids. While they may seem normal, don't forget that their parents taught them what they know...... Which in most cases is conformity to the rules and the things that the parents don't like. Now, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be some conformity to rules of society. Rules that keep us from harming other people or even just violating their rights as a human on this planet. In school though, they have to CONFORM to the curriculum. There can be some deviation from the curriculum but not enough to overcome anything a parent has taught.

So what do we do to actually teach acceptance. Now you may already think we teach it. We do just a bit. We teach to accept race, genetic defects,etc. All things that no one had a choice in. What about accepting individualism? Like why is it such a shocker if someone has never been married? It seems to be less accepted than multiple marriages. Or what about never having kids. I couldn't imagine a life without mine, but some people actually plan to never have any. Or what about someone that dresses Provocative? Does that mean her or him is slutty? Why does it have to mean anything other than that's what they decided to wear that day and they felt good about it. Each of us has passed judgement on someone in our life based on what we see. Why? Because they don't conform to the image we think is acceptable. Acceptance, true acceptance is at a place of no judgement. If you don't have a vested interest in it and you find yourself judging it, then you don't have acceptance. How can we ever truly evolve as a society if we don't learn to accept individualism. How many more things could we have if we accepted someone's idea for an invention and encouraged them to work on it. Where would we be without the Da Vinci's, Franklin's and Wright's of the world? They only are known because they had a strong enough belief in what they thought to rise above conformity and go the extra mile. Since we can't really teach that, we must teach acceptance. Acceptance that we may not see the big picture. That someone does or wears something that they like. Ask yourself if you really understand what that person is doing or thinking before you judge their actions, and do you really need to? Wouldn't that energy be better spent working on your own life?

In closing I would just leave the thoughts about being more accepting to a person's individualism. It may prove to teach you something about your own.

Michael McConnell

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Nice Guy Quest Part 3

So part 3 in the saga hits the blog. We have a new buzz phrase used by women on dating sites now "good hearted man". What the hell is that? Everyone has a good heart under the right circumstances. I'm sure if we could find someone close to any world conqueror they could tell us of a time or a moment that they showed mercy or some soft moment that would indicate that at that precise moment they had a good heart.
So is "good hearted man" synonymous with "nice guy". I think it might be. It seems that most also prefer a man that they perceive to be the man with the qualities they think they want no matter how false or genuine he may be. He may not even exist. So is the quest for a "good hearted man" another ploy to waste everyone's time? Not that this is the intent or even a conscious decision. However it doesn't seem to be very realistic as a target or goal for a relationship. If you're going to have something that is a prerequisite to meeting, maybe it should be real and measurable.
It would go something like "he is good hearted 20% of the time". I'll have coffee. If he is "90% of the time I'll go to third base" or if he's a jerk I'll marry him today. Lol.
Which all begs the real question I wanted to address tonight, "are jerks born or created in society?" maybe both. I believe that there is a little of both. But more are created then are born. The natural order of things is that a guy seems to have to be a jerk to get a woman to fall in love with him. Mind boggling to someone like me. So it doesn't really take that many times of having a woman tell you that she wants to be friends because she has pulled out her crystal ball and foreseen the only version of the future that can exist and knows how the whole thing is going to play out. Lol. Usually, this version leaves no room for communication and education of both individuals. A little closed minded I'd say but nonetheless it seems to be very common. So how many kicks to the curb does it take to make a jerk? Lol. Reminds me of the tootsie pop commercials from days gone by. So for you ladies, how many jerks have you created? How many of you finally grabbed a nice guy or a good hearted man? For the guys, how many of you have succumb to the pressures of dating and just not being seen and become a jerk. How many of you have held your ground and maintained who you are but still alone?

Michael McConnell

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Swabbies Sub-Culture

It just hit me while I was sitting at Swabbies on the river, that there really is a subculture at Swabbies. They're not a big group but they do exist. At least on Sunday's. You don't see these people anywhere else. And they are always doing the same thing no matter what band is playing or what type of music. Lol.

They are all having fun though as they consume their variety of libation choices. Devour their food options no matter how messy they may be.

Apparently, I am part of it as well. Having frequented the establishment enough to determine that this subculture exists. Lol

So if you're curious, hit Swabbies on the river on a Sunday afternoon and see for yourself.

Respectfully submitted,

Michael McConnell

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Rollercoaster Relationships

I think most would say they like rollercoasters at the amusement park. Going for the day or the weekend to enjoy the ups and downs, twists and turns of a gigantic rollercoaster.

When a relationship, any level of relationship, friendship, family, casual dating or long term committed relationship I don't think it is enjoyed at all by the ones riding. Possibly by the ones driving but for now we'll leave that as an unknown.

The amusement park has a very defined path including the entrance. You know you are stepping onto a rollercoaster. You've been afforded the opportunity to watch it move through the ups and downs, twists and turns. So you really have a good idea on when things will happen. You may not know how things will feel when they happen, but you know when they are coming up. In the relationship rollercoaster though it's a bit opposite. You have no idea when there will be an up or a down. The are hard to predict. When they happen though they have more impact. The ups are more wonderful, the feeling of the down is almost always predictable by the rider. It will be negative whether you have it in perspective or not. What that means is if you are the type of person that is insecure or packing around that monkey on your back called "guilt" then it will be all about you the rider and you'll feel like crap. If you've done enough work on yourself to not blame yourself for the down then you still come away knowing that you couldn't accomplish want you truly want to, you couldn't reach the driver in their time of need to explain to them it doesn't have to be this way. They don't have to feel alone, hurt and afraid. They don't have to push the people away that love them just because they are upset. It seems to be most commonly done over and over (creating the rollercoaster) because it's familiar to them.

When you're done at the Amusement park you go home and life is good. When you leave the relationship it may or may not get better for the driver or the rider. Just because you take away the ignition doesn't mean the fire isn't burning. I think it's better to find the root cause and at least realize it so you are aware of it. The real question is how long do you wait for the driver to figure out that they are in control of the rollercoaster? Some wait for years, while others bail at the first sign of trouble. You can be patient and nurturing. Which is really hard to do in the face of an anger emotional driver. If they "get" it before they have pushed you completely away there's a chance for the relationship.

Now the questions..........
1. How long does a rider wait for the driver to get it?
2. How can the rider help the driver learn about themselves?
3, Will the driver ever understand the rider that is leaving? Without the rider telling them why?

Clearly, I don't have all or any of the answers. I have left the amusement park several times in my life. Usually shaking my head wishing the driver would have just gotten it in time.

Let me know what you think?

Respectfully submitted,

Michael McConnell

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Immaturity....unreal

You know we all grow older.....some of us don't grow up which is fine unless we are immature in our dealings with others.....then it just makes us look bad.  I recently attended a meeting at my local union hall.  There were less than 4 percent of the constituants represented by the local that showed up pissed off about one thing or another.  Unfortunately, their issues were lost in their own uniformed and badly put together motions and retoric from themselves.  After making an out of order motion to remove all local control of the members, asking to remove the current leaders, direct personal attacks and just general kindergarten chaos, the current regime of local leaders helped them modify this motion so the could make it properly to support their issues.  Unfortunately, for them, they couldn't listen long enough to improve their motion to make it in order that they once again had to have help.  Instead of having issues, discussing them, formulating an informed intelligent decision as a group they came to make asses of themselves and show what level of intelligence they had.  Furthermore, their plan was to move to another much smaller local that has a lazy, mouthy president that takes no actions for his members.  A leader that most of them have never met.  I say they all have this immaturity level that is limiting them.  While acting like little kids they demand their ice cream yet they refuse to clean their room.....

The need for unions with large corporations is still important.  The union members need to realize that the leadership of any union is only one part of a union..  The union is made up of it's leadership and it's members.  While some members may not like it or be unhappy with it, they don't have the right to overthrow a body of leadership that the majority supports.  Especially when they refuse to do their part as members of a union that aren't following united the practices of the union, the company or even just common sense.  In other words you can't continue to break the machine and then expect someone else to fix it for you and then blame them because you broke it again.  ......People have an entitlement mentality today, then with immaturity they literally throw tantrums like I witnessed in this meeting....

Just because someone can say a few buzz words and hype a very small segment of the constituants, doesn't make them "right" or even following in the best interest of their very small group.  When they push their issue with wrong information, inaccurate reporting, and disrespectful retoric(disrespectful to the process, the members, including their group) they are in fact just a group of whiners making noise.  Just a thought "Instead of splitting any level of their local, they should be focusing on educating and bonding together or uniting their members for the ongoing battle with management for better working conditions, reasonable measurements in the workplace."  A united membership will even be noticed by the worst leadership of any union.  So splitting it only weakens it.  If you don't like the union then write a letter to remove yourself from membership.  You only have a voice because you joined and then you want to tear it down.......this coming from a group that is comprised of mostly technical staff.  Technical people are usually very logical. These individuals showed no logic, education or respect for others.  Only me, me, me and as far as I am concerned, they just need to grow up or go home......Yes I am irritated and I can't believe that any of my "union brothers" would try to speak for me or any membership base without asking us individually what we wanted.  The arrogance is intolerable and they should all be ashamed.  Ashamed while each of them spoke out proudly their name like they were to be respected by the members they were trying to sell down the road, approximately 96% of the membership they were trying to control.  So to all of you who proudly stated your name at the membership meeting in support of this mutiny motion, SHAME ON YOU! Shame on you for trying to control my destiny without hearing my thoughts! 

All of this kind of behavior(i.e. internal fighting, posting messages on "company" internal messaging programs, showing up at a tailgate meeting with management present to propogate your agenda) is notifying the company that we are not united and when bargaining starts, the company WILL have the upper hand.  The upper hand no matter who we send to the bargaining table.  Do any of the short term thinkers of this less than 4 percent group realize that or are they just too immature to see the bigger picture? 

Nice Guy Quest Part 2

So a guy rarely recovers from the friend zone. Women tend to keep them there as a safety guy to spend companionship time with them when they are in between jerks. I am sure any woman reading this can understand what that is like when they have been there. When some guy had them in the friend zone. So what is the answer ladies? Nice guys are motivated by your smiles, your appreciation and your affections and kind words. Not sex, while sex is a wonderful exchange between two responsible adults, it is not the drive for a nice guy to be with a woman and continue to be nice. I will say that the nice guy pool has been muddied with guys that are nice temporarily for that one thing called sex. A true nice guy will never push sex because he wants you to know he respects you and cares for you on a deeper level. He probably also has some deep conversations with you about anything. Just some thoughts for today. I hope the ladies have some feedback.....be safe.
Michael McConnell

Nice Guy Quest Part 1

So I am so curious at this point in my life about the quest for nice guys made by seemingly normal women. I have often heard a woman state that all she wants is a nice guy. You check out the dating sites and 8 out of 10 female profiles have words to the affect, that they want to find a nice guy. Then when they do, there are several outcomes besides keeping him. He is too nice, he can't be real, I can have him anytime, I'm still in love with my last jerk.....it's all BS. I believe they never wanted a nice guy. That it is just their story and they needed something to say. I don't believe that women in general truly believe a nice guy can take care of them on a protection level. Nice guys are nice because they choose to be. They have grown to a place of inner peace and happiness. They want to share that with the lady that touches their heart. Usually they go unseen, or they are pushed away or worse yet placed in the "friend zone".
Michael McConnell